Mastering Tactical Empathy: Navigating Life’s Negotiations with Chris Voss

SlightlySkew considers Chris Voss as one of our most important mentors. In the realm of negotiation, Chris Voss emerges as a luminary figure, drawing from his extensive experience as an FBI hostage negotiator to distill invaluable insights into his method, Tactical Empathy. In his influential work, “Never Split the Difference,” Voss unveils a profound revelation: LIFE IS NEGOTIATION. While the idea of hostage negotiation may seem worlds away from our daily existence, the truth is that negotiation infiltrates every facet of our lives.

 

He says while you might be curious how FBI negotiators get some of the world’s toughest bad guys to give up their hostages, you could be excused for wondering what hostage negotiation has to do with your life. Happily, very few people are ever forced to deal with Islamist terrorists who’ve kidnapped their loved ones. He says allow me to let you in on a secret: Life is negotiation. Most of the interactions we have at work and at home are negotiations that boil down to the expression of a simple, animalistic urge: I want. “I want you to free the hostages,” is a very relevant one to the book, of course. But so is: “I want you to accept that $1 million contract.” “I want to pay $20,000 for that car.” “I want you to give me a 10 percent raise.” and “I want you to go to sleep at 9 p.m.” Negotiation serves two distinct, vital life functions—information gathering and behaviour influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side. Your career, your finances, your reputation, your love life, even the fate of your kids—at some point all these hinges on your ability to negotiate.

 

At the heart of Voss’s methodology lies the concept of “going for no.” This strategic approach challenges the conventional wisdom of driving for a yes in by inviting rejection as a means to foster deeper communication and understanding. By granting the other party the autonomy to decline, you create an environment conducive to genuine dialogue and collaboration.

 

Through this approach, transparency and honesty become the cornerstones of negotiation. By demonstrating a willingness to listen and respect the other party’s perspective, you cultivate trust and rapport. Furthermore, by encouraging the expression of concerns and objections upfront, you pave the way for constructive problem-solving and consensus-building.

 

In many negotiations, people may be hesitant to express their concerns or objections upfront. By encouraging them to say no, you create an environment where they feel comfortable voicing their reservations. This allows you to address their concerns directly and work towards finding mutually acceptable solutions. Sometimes people aren’t entirely sure what they want or need until they’ve had the opportunity to consider their options. By inviting them to say no, you encourage them to evaluate their priorities and articulate what is truly important to them. This can help you tailor your proposals to better align with their preferences.

 

Overall, the “go for no” approach is about fostering open communication, building trust, and uncovering underlying concerns to reach mutually beneficial agreements. It’s not about being confrontational or adversarial, but rather about creating a collaborative atmosphere where both parties can work together towards a positive outcome.

As an example, consider:

“IS NOW A BAD TIME TO TALK?”

It replaces:

• “Have you got a few minutes to talk?”
• “Is now a good time to talk?”

Why use this:

• This is a great way to practice getting your repetitions in with no-oriented questions and seeing their effectiveness in action.
• People feel anxious when they sense you are seeking a yes. This relieves your counterpart from wondering what they are getting themselves into if they agree.
• People feel safe and secure when they say no. This is a great way to learn this concept.

You will only ever get two answers to this question:

“Not at all! It’s never a bad time to talk to you. What have you got?” Or something very close to this. When you get a response like this you now have their complete attention—which is what you were after in the first place.

or

“Yes, it is a bad time. But I can talk with you at (a time they suggest).” Perfect. Again, this is what you were after—their focused attention.

but

I’m sure you’re wondering: What if they say yes and don’t give you a good time to talk? Consider this: Do you want to be on the phone with someone who responds like that? Someone else out there is waiting for you, and this call is keeping you from them. Move on.